2018 Holiday Gift Guide

Wondering what gifts to give to your friends in Portland? Whether you're Mayor Ted Wheeler bungling your holiday shopping as badly as you've bungled the homeless problems or a criddler getting by on stolen packages, Stabtown.com has you covered. Obviously the best gift of all is some Stabtown merch. Show the stabbers in your neighborhood that you're ready to reset the clock with a shirt, tote or other sweet gift. But if you're looking for something for that special stabber, check out our 2018 holiday gift guide below.

A Harbor Freight machete is the go-to weapon of Portland stabbers. Eighteen inches of polished stainless steel and a non-slip comfort grip mean that even during the rainy season, this blade will remain rust-free and ready to draw blood without flying out of your hand. Best of all, Portland Police are so used to seeing people wearing, carrying and swinging these machetes around that they won’t stop you unless you’re actively stabbing someone, and maybe not even then. Panhandlers and bike thieves can raise $5.99 in no time. Give the gift that let's you keep on stabbing this holiday season.

A machete makes a statement, but if you don't want that guy who looked at you funny to see it coming, keep a folding lock-back utility knife hidden in a pocket. Whip it out quickly, flip it open, and you'll be spilling blood before they know what hit them. Available in four colors, but really, you're going to get the blood red or stealth black one. Best of all, it's 20 cents cheaper than a machete. That leaves you 20 cents closer to paying your dealer.

With this 15-inch knife made by Whetstone, you'll show your enemies that you mean business the moment you draw it. This hunting and camping knife has the sort of heft that feels solid in the hand and puts real momentum behind a stab. The serrated blade ensures that you'll leave a jagged stab wound that will be slow to heal and scar hideously. And as Walmart's website helpfully notes, it makes a wonderful collectible. It's functional art for Stabtown.

Black san trio ninja throwing knife set from Walmart ($7.99)

Does someone on your gift list fancy himself a ninja among criddlers? He'll be sure to appreciate this set of three throwing knives. Practice throwing them at trees and at cars so that when the moment comes to target that guy you are sure talking shit about you, you'll be ready to strike. The handy circle loop on the end of each knife is great for attaching a light rope. Save yourself the trouble of walking to pick it up and stab from a distance. Here in Stabtown, the cops don't care if you swing that knife wildly about.

Are you shopping on a budget this year because you spent all your money on meth or fentanyl? Don't despair. Even you can stab with the best of them by lurking around a construction site. Rich developers are putting up buildings all over town on some of the best unpermitted camping spaces. You'll never get to set foot in those swank buildings, so it's only fair you get something now. Pick up a screwdriver that someone left lying around on the job site. Sure, it might be a little rusty, but so much the better when you get to stabbing. Can you say tetanus? Trust us, it's good.